Wednesday, July 12, 2006

The Testicle Festival's Director of Lessons Learned

This is no joke. The White House has a Director of Lessons Learned. Can't... process... all of the snarks.... that are flooding my brain.... .

Here's a look at the most useless White House staffers:

The Four Most Overpaid White House Staffers:
"Deborah Nirmala Misir - Ethics Advisor $114,688
Erica M. Dornburg - Ethics Advisor $100,547
Stuart Baker - Director for Lessons Learned $106,641
Melissa M. Carson - Director of Fact Checking $46,500"
But, geez, golly, we bloggers shouldn't be linking to such information. We're such assholes wanting facts and accountability in our government. I, mean, really, who do we think we are? Americans?!

Blue Gal points to another stupid blogger blogging about how stupid we stupid, stupid head bloggers are. I'd thank you, Blue Gal, but you're a blogger, so....

Bloggers Are Mean and They Suck:
"Personally, I'm embarrassed by all of us liberal blogofascists insisting on a place in the national discourse simply because we happened to be, um, right about George Bush, Donald Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney, Condi Rice, Tom DeLay, Karl Rove, Iraq, the WMDs, the allegiances of the corporate media, the steady erosion of civil liberties, global warming, Republican incompetence, hypocrisy, greed and dishonesty, fiscal irresponsibility, the widening chasm between economic classes, and the evergrowing efforts to turn our country into a theocracy.

So we got lucky on a few things. But just because we were right doesn't mean we can't be gracious. And humble."
I mean, we're such dicks for pointing out the smoke and mirror show Shrub put on yesterday regarding the deficits. He so super, ya know. He's got more magic than Criss Angel. Why he can take one of his big, long turds and sculp it into an Academy Award. "We projected a 600 billion surplus by this point in my presidency. What we have is 300 billion deficit. Only a difference of just under a trillion. U.S.A.! U.S.A.!"

Another Mission ‘Accomplished’:
"This is proof, if anyone still needs it, that this administration is desperate for something to boast about. On Mr. Bush’s watch, triple-digit budget surpluses have turned into annual triple-digit budget deficits. There’s no information in the midsession report to alter that utterly dispiriting fact. Yes, the report is expected to project that this year’s deficit will be somewhat less gargantuan than last year’s — probably somewhere between $280 billion and $300 billion, versus a $318 billion shortfall in 2005. That’s not much to crow about.

But Mr. Bush is likely to gloat, anyway. Earlier this year, the administration conveniently projected a highly inflated deficit of $423 billion. With that as a starting point, the actual results can be spun to look as if they’re worth cheering.

The razzle-dazzle won’t end there. As he did in his remarks on Saturday, Mr. Bush is sure to use today’s event to credit tax cuts for a projected “surge” in tax revenue. The Treasury is expected to take in about $250 billion more in 2006 than in 2005, for a total take of $2.4 trillion. Devoid of context, the number looks impressive."
Bloggers may be mean, but 23% of the U.S. are mindless drones and they all vote Republican

23% of Us are Fucked!:
"Acording to his findings, a vast majority of Conservatives are drawn into the Leader/Follower archetype, where the Leaders are considered infallable, and the loyalty of the Followers is completely unshakable. About '23% of the populace falls into the follower category' said Dean. 'These people are impervious' to fact, rationality and reality. And their 'Numbers are growing'.

Let's just face it, 23% of us are basically fucked in the head."
Thank Janus that we've go Jesus looking after us. Not only is he the King of Jews, he's the King of Beers.

Because I refuse to ever grow up enough that fart sounds and nut jokes won't make me laugh, I bring you the following:

Say it really fast, Testicle Festival, Testicle Festival, Testicle Festival. Hehehe..

Testicle Festival


A bull testicle is just not the same as a calf testicle.''

"A fresh calf testicle tastes like lobster,'' said Zeier. "You never had anything like it.''

"Bull nuts taste like shoe leather,'' said Zeier. "You can have 'em.''

"The difference between eating calf nuts and bull nuts is the difference between eating a spring fryer and a stewing hen,'' Zeier said. "Try it, you'll see.

4 comments:

Mr. Beer N. Hockey said...

Director of Lessons Learned? America has surpassed Orwell's dim expectations for government.

JPW said...

Amen, Mr. B n H, amen. Orwell would be shocked at how he gave us too much credit in our abilities to govern.

Blue Gal said...

I do think the huffpo blogger had tongue, not testicle, firmly in cheek, though.

JPW said...

For certain, Blue Gal, as did I... Tongue that is... not testicle. Testicle in cheek is not good for anybody.... yeah, ouch.

But, on the flip side... Testicle Festival, Testicle Festivle, Testicle Festivle...hehehehe