Letter to the Editor FAIL

Letter to the Editor - Southern Style - FAIL.

Lots of good folks down there, but ol' Janice doesn't seem to be one of them.

Never going back to Buttholeville..... Star.

A great idea | TimesDaily.com | The Times Daily | Florence, AL:

"I am writing in response to the You Said It caller who sarcastically remarked about the possibility of Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh being the president and vice president of the United States.

What a great idea! I believe if Glenn Beck were president, the U.S. Constitution would be honored once again, there would be no more czars and Rahm Emanuel and David Axlerod would not be in the White House telling the president how to run the country (into the ground)!

Janice Williams

Center Star"

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Just takes the snark right out of me.

"We should change the part about giving to the poor, 'cause that's some commie lovin' crap, and, instead, say give big ass corporate tax breaks to companies we deem 'too large to fail'". Jesus would have wanted it that way."

Mighty presumption to think you can edit 'the word of GAWD'.

Conservative Bible Project Cuts Out Liberal Passages:

"Lo and behold, the Bible has gotten too liberal, according to a group of conservatives. And it needs a little editing.

That's the inspiration behind the Conservative Bible Project, which seeks to take the text back to its supposed right-wing roots.

Yes, even scripture is not orthodox enough for the modern conservative. Not that it's the fault of the author(s), exactly. The group cites a few reasons why the Bible is too progressive: 'Lack of precision in the original language ... lack of precision in modern language' and 'translation bias in converting the original language to the modern one.'"

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Executed an innocent man. Now covering it up. Stay classy, Perry.

Cameron Todd Willingham: Texas Governor Dismisses 3 Commission Members Just 48 Hours Before Arson Review

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A few days old, but if I can make one more fundie head explode, I've done my duty.

Oldest "Human" Skeleton Found--Disproves "Missing Link":

"Scientists today announced the discovery of the oldest fossil skeleton of a human ancestor. The find reveals that our forebears underwent a previously unknown stage of evolution more than a million years before Lucy, the iconic early human ancestor specimen that walked the Earth 3.2 million years ago (interactive time line: how the new discovery changes human evolutionary theory)."

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This would really pop some fundie head, too.

Rocky Planet Discovery: NASA/Harvard Teams Say "Finding a Second Earth Could Happen Anytime Now":

"Astronomers may be on the brink of discovering a second Earth-like planet, a find that would add fresh impetus to the search for extraterrestrial life. Astronomers from six major centers, including NASA, Harvard and the University of Colorado, agreed at a conference last year that advances in technology suggest scientists are on the verge of being able to detect the presence of small, rocky planets, much like our own, around distant stars for the first time. The planets are considered the most likely habitats for extraterrestrial life."

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Duuuude. Awesome. Good luck with the deadlines, though.

Denver Westword IS Hiring A Pot Critic To Review Marijuana Dispensaries - Speakeasy - WSJ:

"On Tuesday, the Denver Westword, a respected alt-weekly, posted an unusual job opening on its Web site. “Calling all potential pot reviewers: Westword wants you!”"

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GODDAMMIT!

You can't knock somebody up via dream and/or solo shower 'sex', right?

If no, then I repeat: GODDAMMIT!

Padma Lakshmi Is PREGNANT! But With Whose Baby?

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Origins of Stupidity

Great analogy:

Daily Kos: That Stamp Will Cost You $23,000, Pal.

If health insurance companies ran the mail service, you wouldn't know what it would cost to mail a package, because nobody involved would be able to tell you, even if you spent the better part of a week on the phone with them. You would know what it cost you one only after you received the bill for mailing it. This bill would come one month later, but additional charges would be added a month after that, more additions would come two months later, the total would be revised again in four months, and would be adjusted again after six months. If you want to complain, knock yourself out, but chances are you won't even remember what it was you mailed back in the summer of 2008 or whenever-that-was.

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In their haste, the ACORN Kabuki Theatre Troop (aka The GOP) might have gone and effed up their donor train.

So fucking stupid as are all of the Democrats who voted for this stupid fucking bill.

But if it defunds some 'defense' contractors, then well done boys and girls. Well done.

Whoops: Anti-ACORN Bill Ropes In Defense Contractors, Others Charged With Fraud:

"Going after ACORN may be like shooting fish in a barrel lately -- but jumpy lawmakers used a bazooka to do it last week and may have blown up some of their longtime allies in the process.

The congressional legislation intended to defund ACORN, passed with broad bipartisan support, is written so broadly that it applies to 'any organization' that has been charged with breaking federal or state election laws, lobbying disclosure laws, campaign finance laws or filing fraudulent paperwork with any federal or state agency. It also applies to any of the employees, contractors or other folks affiliated with a group charged with any of those things.

In other words, the bill could plausibly defund the entire military-industrial complex. Whoops."

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Well, of course they do. Telecoms won't be able to rape consumers which means less money in the GOP's pocket.

WAR! bitches.

GOP senators declare war on Net neutrality

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Not FAUX News racism. Purely an act of FAUX News stupidity and lack of historical awareness.

Hey, maybe Kelly and Perino can get together and discuss the Cuban Missile Crisis.

Fox's Kelly refers to U.S. flags as "Stars and Bars" -- but that's the first national flag of the Confederacy | Media Matters for America

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I'm in love with the girl who made the Youtube response. I like to Bible idea with a 50 page intro.

Dontcha just want to pinch the delusional, sanctimonious smugness right off Kirk's neck.

Kirk Cameron's 'Origin Of Species' Plan: Ex-Actor To Distribute 50,000 Altered Darwin Books:

"Kirk Cameron, best known for his role in the 1980s sitcom Growing Pains, now spends much of his time advocating for far-right Christian evangelical causes.

In a video posted recently to YouTube, Cameron lays out a plan to subvert 'Darwin Day' on November 22, 2009 -- a date marking the 150th anniversary of the publishing of Charles Darwin's 'Origin of Species.' Cameron says that he and like-minded activists plan to deliver 50,000 copies of an altered version of Darwin's book to students at dozens of U.S. universities."

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Funny Ha-Ha

Douchebag of the Year:

Jeff Sessions Irked By Crying Child: "Enough With The Histrionics" (VIDEO):

"For most people, the sight of a 12-year-old boy in tears at the prospect of his mother being deported halfway around the world would invoke some sympathy. Unmoved, however, was Alabama Republican Jeff Sessions, ranking minority member of the Committee and the only Republican to bother to attend the hearing. At the sight of the weeping boy, according to a Senate staffer who was at the hearing, Sessions leaned towards one of his aides and sighed, 'Enough with the histrionics.' Sessions's press secretary did not return a call seeking comment."

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Let's see how Alabama's most populous county reacts to all of these 'socialist' programs disappearing.

Not gonna be funny when maw-maw can't get fed or driven to the hospital.

Alabama County Set to Halt Services, Shut Buildings Over Budget - Bloomberg.com:

"June 5 (Bloomberg) -- Alabama’s most populous county is preparing to stop road maintenance, close courthouses and shutter services for the elderly after a court struck down taxes that pay for about 35 percent of its budget."

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Duh. Republican's base doing their dirty work.

Corporations behind efforts to label Sotomayor ‘racist’:

"Corporate interests posing as a grassroots conservative group are behind attacks on President Obama’s Supreme Court nominee pick, a RAW STORY investigation has found.

The Committee for Justice (CFJ), an astroturf group established by big business in July 2002 to create an appearance of popular support for President Bush’s judicial nominees, is now leading the effort to oppose the nomination of Judge Sonia Sotomayor to the US Supreme Court."

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Good for the Gators.

Daily Kos: Union buster bitten by Gator:

"The University of Florida is the number two selling brand of university athletic apparel in the country, behind only the University of Texas, and its value keeps increasing. In the last four years the Gators won two national championships in basketball and two national championships in football. Going into the 2009-2010 season the Gator football team is the consensus pre-season #1 and is led by the Heisman favorite, Tim Tebow. Gators also have the top-ranked outdoor mens track team, are still in the running for the men's College World Series, and just lost in the championship series of women's softball (congratulations Washington Huskies).

The University of Florida just cut its ties to Russell Athletics, revoking its license to sell Gator apparel. Union busters, you see, are Gator Bait."

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Change 'job creation' with 'enslavement' then you'll have an accurate article.

Wal-Mart says it will create 22,000 jobs in 2009

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Nothing to see here, folks. Keep moving along.

Watch Earth Disappear In Time-Lapse Videos:

"This is a big week for viewing the effects of humanity on Earth from above -- in addition to a documentary film coming out this Friday, Wired has used NASA Earth Observatory images to created time-lapse videos of the Earth being de-Earthed.

You can see deforestation in the Amazon, draining of the Aral Sea, urbanization of Dubai and more over at Wired Science."

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Jebus gave us laughter, silly.

Ha-Ha! Ape study traces evolution of laughter:

"When scientists set out to trace the roots of human laughter, some chimps and gorillas were just tickled to help. Literally.
More News

That's how researchers made a variety of apes and some human babies laugh. After analyzing the sounds, they concluded that people and great apes inherited laughter from a shared ancestor that lived more than 10 million years ago.

Experts praised the work. It gives very strong evidence that ape and human laughter are related through evolution, said Frans de Waal of the Yerkes National Primate Research Center at Emory University in Atlanta."\

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Living in Fear is just another way to vote Republican

Should have known better than to mess with a ship named 'Alabama'.

Crew regain control of hijacked ship off Somalia | International | Reuters

The 17,000 tonne Maersk Alabama, a U.S.-flagged, Danish-owned container ship is seen in this undated handout image, taken when the ship was named differently, released to Reuters on April 8, 2009. Somali pirates hijacked the Maersk Alabama,on Wednesday with 20 American crew on board in a major escalation in attacks at sea off the Horn of Africa nation, officials said.

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GOP are a bunch of assholes who have no clue how or the desire to govern. Big fucking surprise.

The freshman Dems.... no, 95% of all elected Dems better learn how to hit back and hit back hard.

GOP acting like 'schoolyard bullies,' Dem congresswoman complains

Baracknophobia: Hannity, Bachmann, And Beck Terrified Of Obama (VIDEO)

Extremist rhetoric won't rebuild GOP - Michael A. Cohen - POLITICO.com

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Rick Sanchez finds a nut and deserves a pat on the head.

(Unfortunately, Lauderdale County finds its way into this piece:

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HAHAHAHAHAH! Oh Noes! The gays are going to take our freedom and give it a really nice haircut and a new outfit. Oh Noes!

Hilarious:

Daily Kos: The Scary Gay People are Taking Over




What? Wait. Those are actors? Not real, gay-fearing 'Mericans?

Audition tapes found of phony "testimonial" ad created by anti-gay groups:

"They're running ads telling the stories of 'real' people who have been 'hurt' by gay marriage. Too bad someone found the audition tapes for the ads - you'll get to see lots of real actors telling the same 'personal' story over and over and over. These people are pathetic. If there are so many 'real' people hurt by our civil rights, then why do they have to hire actors at all? Because it's all a big lie, brought to your during Holy Week, of all things. Amazing."

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Somtimes I love Hitchen's drunk ass. Totally owns a christian fundie.

Christian nation my ass.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

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Here's another history lesson for whack-jobs.

When you're old and have neck cancer you don't really have to take shit off of anybody at anytime.

Roger Ebert destroys O'Liely:

Thoughts on Bill O'Reilly and Squeaky the Chicago Mouse :: rogerebert.com :: News &
comment:

"Dear Bill: Thanks for including the Chicago Sun-Times on your exclusive list of newspapers on your 'Hall of Shame.' To be in an O'Reilly Hall of Fame would be a cruel blow to any newspaper. It would place us in the favor of a man who turns red and starts screaming when anyone disagrees with him. My grade-school teacher, wise Sister Nathan, would have called in your parents and recommended counseling with Father Hogben.

Yes, the Sun-Times is liberal, having recently endorsed our first Democrat for President since LBJ. We were founded by Marshall Field one week before Pearl Harbor to provide a liberal voice in Chicago to counter the Tribune, which opposed an American war against Hitler. I'm sure you would have sided with the Trib at the time.

I understand you believe one of the Sun-Times misdemeanors was dropping your syndicated column. My editor informs me that 'very few' readers complained about the disappearance of your column, adding, 'many more complained about Nancy.' I know I did. That was the famous Ernie Bushmiller comic strip in which Sluggo explained that 'wow' was 'mom' spelled upside-down."

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And the wheels keep turning.

Exponential times.

Modern life's pressures may be hastening human evolution:

"WASHINGTON — We're not finished yet. Even today, scientists say that human beings are continuing to evolve as our genes respond to rapid changes in the world around us.

In fact, the pressures of modern life may be speeding up the pace of human evolution, some anthropologists think."

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Chimp Challenge

At least they're being honest about having no ideas to improve the country.

Republican ideology brought to you by New Coke.

"That will take repetition" meaning "If you tell a lie long enough people start to believe it".

GOP Rep: “Our Goal Is To Bring Down Approval Numbers” For Dems | The Plum Line:

"“We will lose on legislation. But we will win the message war every day, and every week, until November 2010,” said Rep. Patrick McHenry, R-N.C., an outspoken conservative who has participated on the GOP message teams. “Our goal is to bring down approval numbers for [Speaker Nancy] Pelosi and for House Democrats. That will take repetition. This is a marathon, not a sprint.”"

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This is about as 'not good' as it gets.

Carbon emissions creating acidic oceans not seen since dinosaurs | Environment | guardian.co.uk:

"Human pollution is turning the seas into acid so quickly that the coming decades will recreate conditions not seen on Earth since the time of the dinosaurs, scientists will warn today.

The rapid acidification is caused by the massive amounts of carbon dioxide belched from chimneys and exhausts that dissolve in the ocean. The chemical change is placing 'unprecedented' pressure on marine life such as shellfish and lobsters and could cause widespread extinctions, the experts say."

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Vindictive. Grudge-holding. Weapons stash. Premeditated mayhem.

And some say we didn't evolve from chimps.

Study: Belligerent chimp proves animals make plans:

"A canny chimpanzee who calmly collected a stash of rocks and then hurled them at zoo visitors in fits of rage has confirmed that apes can plan ahead just like humans, a Swedish study said Monday. Santino the chimpanzee's anti-social behavior stunned both visitors and keepers at the Furuvik Zoo but fascinated researchers because it was so carefully prepared.

According to a report in the journal Current Biology, the 31-year-old alpha male started building his weapons cache in the morning before the zoo opened, collecting rocks and knocking out disks from concrete boulders inside his enclosure. He waited until around midday before he unleashed a 'hailstorm' of rocks against visitors, the study said."

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It is not 'survival of the fittest'. It is survival of the most adaptable.

The secret of long life? It's all down to how fast you react | Mail Online

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Neat.

Collector: Lincoln photo uncovered in Grant album

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Losing Their Religion

That's right. Come to pappa.

More Americans say they have no religion:

"Still, the study found that the numbers of Americans with no religion rose in every state.

'No other religious bloc has kept such a pace in every state,' the study's authors said."

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Ex-religious right founder Frank Shaeffer saw the light and has been writing some point-on blog posts for the Huffington Post.

Frank Schaeffer: Why Obama Must Not Work With Republicans:

"Christian Zionists support all violent actions by Israel for any reason because in the fevered evangelical mind the nation of Israel is presently standing in for Jesus-the-avenger-on-evildoers everywhere, i.e. Arabs, all of whom (according to the born-again porn peddlers) are soon destined to burn anyway! So, who cares if 10 Israeli deaths from Hamas' rockets fired into southern Israel are avenged by the killing of 1,300 men women and children in Gaza?USA! USA! Go Jesus! Time for another godly session on my Left Behind: Eternal Forces video game! Hurry Jesus come back and kill em' all.

And that is the Republican's base. Good luck to President Obama trying to find bipartisan solutions to our world wide problems with these folks."

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Simple answer to Schaeffer's simple question: Because they're Republicans.

Frank Schaeffer: Why Are the Republicans Such Anti-Obama Liars?

Today the Republican Party is rooting for doom. And since the Republicans are now anti-American members of an Obama-must-fail insurgency, lies become a self-fulfilling prophecy: talk doom, and keep the economy in a panic and we may get what we wish for.

Don't conservative Republicans object to the lies? No, because the Republicans don't have any actual and traditional conservative followers left. The Republican base is now made up of religious and neoconservative ideologues, and the uneducated white underclass with a token person of color or two up front on TV to obscure the all-white, all reactionary all backward -- there-is-no-global-warming -- rube reality. Actual conservatives, let alone the educated classes, have long since fled.

The Republican religious nuts are rooting for Jesus to "rapture" them, not for America, and the neoconservatives are rooting for war and the Israeli hard liners, not for America. Truth (and sanity) are out the window.

So, what is the problem with lying to our faces, say, claiming that all American's taxes are going up when 95% of American's taxes are going to go down? Why not claim Obama is a socialist, even if he's not? Why not say anything at all to drive our country into a pit when losing is seen as winning? That, is all the Republicans have to offer America: more lies on a path to destruction from which the Republican "leadership" plans to resurrect themselves and "save" America from Obama.

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It is always someone else's fault. Always.

Daily Kos: Limbaugh is the winger's fault, not anyone else's:

"Stung by the negative public reaction to Rush's takeover of the Republican Party, a new line of spin has been birthed by the crazies on the Right -- that the dastardly Democrats have conspired to push Limbaugh into the public debate to take away attention from the failed Obama Administration.

Yeah, yeah, laugh. It is hilarious, particularly because the American people are loving what Obama and the Democrats are doing. But before these blowhards start casting about for blame, maybe they should take a look in the mirror:"

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This is pretty cool and probably one of the most important innovations (domestication of horses) that allowed humans to evolve.

Earliest domesticated horses dated 5,500 years ago

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We got some rare-ass fish in our sinkholes back home.

Cave home to one of world's rarest fish | TimesDaily.com | Florence, AL:

"Just seeing the two Alabama cavefish was cause for optimism among the scientists. The Alabama cavefish, which is listed as a critically endangered species by the U.S, Fish and Wildlife Service, is one of the rarest fish in the world."

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Keepin' it Light

Wise words from a wise lady.... damn, I am such a fool.

Harper Lee Speaks at Ala. Ceremony - The Huffington Post

MONTGOMERY, Ala. — Pulitzer Prize-winning author Harper Lee is a woman of few words and generally avoids media interviews and public appearances.

But the author of "To Kill a Mockingbird" broke her silence briefly Monday at a ceremony inducting four new members, including former home-run king Hank Aaron, into the Alabama Academy of Honor. Lee, who lives in Monroeville, is a member of the academy, which honors living Alabamians, and was in the audience for Monday's ceremony.

At the end of the ceremony, Academy of Honor chairman Tom Carruthers joked with Lee, saying he knew she had something she wanted to say to the crowd.

"Well it's better to be silent than to be a fool," Lee said.

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So very awesome. Click the like to check out some renderings :

Japan's Plan For World's Tallest Building - Geekologie:

"Inspired by Mount Fuji, Taisei Construction Corporation has completed designs for construction of the world's tallest building. The X-Seed 4000 (no idea where that came from) would stand at approximately 13,123 feet (4 km), nearly 700 feet (213 m) taller than the real Mount Fuji. The next tallest buildings don't even break 2,000 feet, how puny! While likely to never be built, the X-Seed would have up to 800 floors, and be capable of housing between 500,000 and 1,000,000 people."

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Again, the Japanese are kicking ass:

Brain Games - Video Game Feature

Just three years ago, the suggestion that a video game could somehow make you smarter would have been laughed out of a room faster than Dustin Diamond. Then along came the future people of Japan, who convinced everyone that games could not only teach you something, but could also berate you into thinking that your brain was about 74 years old.

How? By unleashing Brain Age: Train your Brain in Minutes a Day upon an unsuspecting world of dummies. The game was a smash hit, topping DS sales charts worldwide and proving once and for all that, contrary to what they teach at that weird, hippy private school in your town, people actually love standardized testing.

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There's absolutely nothing I can say that would enhance this:

Dwarf's penis gets stuck to vacuum cleaner - World - smh.com.au:

"A dwarf performer at the Edinburgh fringe festival had to be rushed to hospital after his penis got stuck to a vacuum cleaner during an act that went horribly awry."

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You Can't Cherry-Pick Life

Must watch Special Comment by Olbermann last night. He guts, de-veins, fillets, and slow roasts Rice and the rest of the meat heads.

Special Comment: Secretary Rice, Get Your Facts Straight!:

"On the Sunday Morning Interview Show of Broken-Record on Fox, Dr. Rice spoke a paragraph, which if it had been included in a remedial history paper at the weakest high school in the nation, would've gotten the writer an "F" - maybe an expulsion."

"Get your facts straight."

"....you can't cherry-pick life...."

When will they learn not to use the bogus Hitler comparision? Don't they know Keith will kill them on it?

Olbermann Takes On … Everything, MSNBC News Anchor Is Ruffling Conservative Feathers:

'Countdown' was flying beneath the ratings radar for several years until last August when a speech by former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld sent Olbermann into a fury.

'He said, essentially, that anyone who was critical of the war on terror, or the war in Iraq, or, indeed, of the administration's policies, was equivalent to those who appeased Hitler in the '30s,' he said. 'I'm not a big fan of being called a Nazi appeaser, or even a parallel to a Nazi appeaser. I took that personally.'"

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File this under 'no-shit'.

If Bush were CEO, he'd be fired, says business executive:

"Hellman concentrates on six acts of commission or omission by the president that would be grounds for firing of the president were he chief executive officer of a company: failing to be fiscally responsible; making poor strategic decisions; poorly executing those decisions; choosing poor personnel; poor research and development for the future; and, failure to adhere to the institution's charters and bylaws."

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Look, I'm down with the talk of 'Barkley as Governor of Alabama' as a novelty. He's great for a quote and is fun to watch on TV. But, come-on, if he gets elected (a black man elected Governor of Alabama? It may happen in my life-time, but I don't expect until I'm in the adult daiper part of my journey) he'll be another shitty Governor of the state per norm. The man didn't even graduate from Auburn which I can't decide if that goes in the plus column or not.

But, as I said, he's always good for a quote.

Charles Barkley: 'It's an easy call. We've got to get out of Iraq.':

"When asked about the war in Iraq, Barkley replied that the situation was simple, 'It's an easy call for me. We've got to get out of Iraq. [Saddam Hussein] is dead. That situation hasn't gotten better. So, anything that the Republicans say about the war in Iraq -- it's just bogus. I mean, it's a terrible situation. We've got a lot of innocent kids getting killed over there, and we're never going to be safe over there.'"

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Do Something!

FOX ATTACKS:

"Fox is not a credible news outlet and needs to be stopped. Foxattacks.com will give you the information and tools you need to hit fox where it hurts. The current video presents the erroneous and slanted stories Fox recently ran about Barack Obama. In response, Obama refused to appear on Fox. Watch the video, then follow Obama's lead and... Do Something."

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Umm, hello?! Rest of the U.S. The Western states have officially started the prossess of succeeding from the Union. See ya!

5 governors agree to work on climate

The governors of Arizona, California, New Mexico, Oregon and Washington state agreed that they would develop a regional target to lower greenhouse gases and create a program aimed at helping businesses reach the still-undecided goals.

"In the absence of meaningful federal action, it is up to the states to take action to address climate change and reduce greenhouse gas emissions in this country," said Arizona Gov. Janet Napolitano, a Democrat. "Western states are being particularly hard-hit by the effects of climate change."

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Oh, man... just.... heh.

Report: Family Ties Sharpton to Thurmond:

"NEW YORK — Geneaologists have found that civil rights activist the Rev. Al Sharpton is a descendent of a slave owned by relatives of the late Sen. Strom Thurmond, a newspaper reported Sunday."

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Jesus did this. Look away. Nothing to see here. No evolving going on here. Jesus loves me this I know...

Chimps make wood spears, kill smaller animals for food / Females described as problem-solvers in primate culture:

"Chimpanzees living in the West African savannah have been observed fashioning spears from sticks and using the handcrafted tools to hunt small mammals -- the first routine production of deadly weapons ever seen in nonhuman animals.

The multistep spearmaking practice, documented by researchers in Senegal who spent years gaining the chimpanzees' trust, adds credence to the idea that human forebears fashioned similar tools millions of years ago.

The landmark observation also supports the long-debated proposition that females -- the main makers and users of spears among the Senegalese chimps -- tend to be the innovators and creative problem-solvers in primate culture."

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'Pornaments' on the Moon

Very cool! I'll see a permanent camp on the moon in my lifetime. I've always been a bit of a NASA-head. The first space shuttles were piggy-backed on giant 747s when they were being worked on in Huntsville, AL aka Space City. I remember staying home from school in order to watch the launches. So, I've always been a big cheerleader for the agency and I hope I'm around to see this pulled off:

NASA Says It Will Set Up Polar Moon Camp:

"WASHINGTON — NASA may be going to the same old moon with a ship that looks a lot like a 1960s Apollo capsule, but the space agency said Monday that it's going to do something dramatically different this time: Stay there."

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Oh, The Onion. Why must your satire later turn into truth?

Kansas Outlaws Practice Of Evolution:

"The sweeping new law prohibits all living beings within state borders from being born with random genetic mutations that could make them better suited to evade predators, secure a mate, or, adapt to a changing environment. In addition, it bars any sexual reproduction, battles for survival, or instances of pure happenstance that might lead, after several generations, to a more well-adapted species or subspecies."

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X-Rated 'Pornament' Christmas Decorations Raise Eyebrows

Eyebrows ain't the only thing they're raising!

"Several new holiday decorations considered X-rated are being sold in Florida at a store popular with young children, according to a report."

Of course Churchy McChurchster thinks that the pornaments are 'defaming' Christmas.

"It is just sad they have to stoop to this kind of thing to defame Christmas," Hillcrest Baptist Church Rev. Jim Patterson said. "It says we are nothing more than sexual acts or psychical being and we are much more than that. We are spiritual beings and this is a spiritual holiday. And, why bring it to that level. It makes no sense to me."

Things 'not making sense' to you could fill a book, pal. And if he wants to see Christmas defamed he not look any further than his local Super Wal-Mart.

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Speaking of 'raising' things....

Scientists Levitate Small Animals:

Scientists have now levitated small live animals using sounds that are, well, uplifting.

In the past, researchers at Northwestern Polytechnical University in Xi'an, China, used ultrasound fields to successfully levitate globs of the heaviest solid and liquid—iridium and mercury, respectively. The aim of their work is to learn how to manufacture everything from pharmaceuticals to alloys without the aid of containers. At times compounds are too corrosive for containers to hold, or they react with containers in other undesirable ways."

Conspiring to Blow-IN a Plane

A Better Internet

"Let's get it on"

krrrk, This is your captian speaking. Our inflight movie today will be Mission Impossible III starring Tom Cruise. We also have a bonus adult feature that can be viewed in row 16 seats A and B. The title of the adult feature is D.A.T.Y. starring two of your fellow passengers. Enjoy your flight and thank you for choosing Delta".

Do you need another example why the "Patriot" Act needs to be repealed. If I can't get a little busy in a trans-continental flight, then the terrorist truley have won.

People need to be able to practice their love.

Mid-flight sexual play lands US couple afoul of anti-terrorism law:

"A couple's ill-concealed sexual play aboard a Southwest Airlines flight from Los Angeles got them charged with violating the Patriot Act, intended for terrorist acts, and could land them in jail for 20 years.

According to their indictment, Carl Persing and Dawn Sewell were allegedly snuggling and kissing inappropriately, 'making other passengers uncomfortable,' when a flight attendant asked them to stop."

Evolution

*fingers in ears* Na-na-na-na-na-na. I can't hear you. Dophin's never had legs. na-na-na-na. The Bible doesn't say that. na-na-na-na. Science tells me lies.

Dolphin may have 'remains' of legs:

"TOKYO - Japanese researchers said Sunday that a bottlenose dolphin captured last month has an extra set of fins that could be the remains of hind legs, a discovery that may provide further evidence that ocean-dwelling mammals once lived on land.

Dolphin legs can't hold a candle to the religious right freak out factor on this next one:

Heart Valves Grown From Womb Fluid Cells:

"CHICAGO (AP) - Scientists for the first time have grown human heart valves using stem cells from the fluid that cushions babies in the womb _ offering a revolutionary approach that may be used to repair defective hearts in the future.

Damn, I can't wait til they get cloning down pat. I'm so going for it.

Early Bird Stripper Special

Another example of the terrorist winning.

Hell, I'm old enough to join these D.O.B.s. Where do I sign up?

Police Halt Strip Show at Men's Club:

"No more bare bodies for the old boys. Police on Monday stripped the local chapter of the International Order of Old Bastards of the exotic dancers who have performed at their meetings for decades.

The club, which consists of about 600 members, has met quarterly for at least 40 years, according to a police report. Members must be at least 35 years old, although the average age is mid-60s, said Richard Story, who described himself as the club's newly installed Arch Old Bastard.

No D'uh

Taking Tests Improves Memory :

"Students, don't cringe, but new research suggests that the very act of taking a test is enough to enhance long-term memory. Furthermore, testing helps students remember not only what they studied for the test, but also related, non-tested concepts.

I'm telling you, a beer and chocolate diet will make you live forever. I'm going to live until I'm 169 y.o.

Chocolate addiction leads to sweet discovery

"WASHINGTON (Reuters) - They were so addicted, they just could not give up their favorite daily snack -- not even in the interest of science.

But chocolate lovers who flunked out of a Johns Hopkins University study on aspirin and heart disease helped researchers stumble on an explanation of why a little chocolate a day can cut the risk of heart attack.